Upon turning 30...

The Number 1 song 30 years ago...

(ok..For the record the actual number 1 song on the day I was born was Southern Lights by Glen Campbell..but I couldn't find video of that..so this was the number one song the day after I was born...)


When your are a child or even 16, 30 seems like forever away. Like you can never picture yourself that OLD!..but it has come to pass.

I am writing this a day in advance of the big weekend extravaganza as there is going to be plenty of drinking and poker over the next 48 hour period(after seeing Spider-man 3 tonight of course). But turning 30 makes you think about what you have learned over the years...what follows are some of those valuable life lessons that I will share with you...


1. Chocolate milk on Cocoa Pebbles.... good,
Apple juice on Fruit Loops... not so good.

2. Don't fuck with border staff, they have no sense of humour

3. When in Oshawa, Ontario and looking for a bathroom in a restaurant or bar... it's always downstairs.

4. Bad roommates cost you nothing but money...

5. When going camping take more than Hot dogs and chips, because when you puke from drinking too much,you want other options for dinner than what you just got rid of.

6. Any restaurant that gives you free wine in the wait line and (the best) free bread at the table is good in my book.

7. Phone sex lines cost you $50 bucks just for them to answer the phone, then charge like $9.99 a min..how do I know this..see #4.

8. You know you have good friends when you don't see someone more than once a year, and when you do...it's like you saw them yesterday..god that sounded fucking sappy..

9.That's it is, in fact better to burn out than to fade away...

10.When going to the movies, never miss the previews. Sometimes it's the only thing worth talking about after.

11.Embrace your geekness, it's who you are.

12.The Tomato Soup theory...

13.Always give the cell phone number and not the home number, never know when you might run into a crazy...

14.Only two people in this world can wear orange pants, Convicts...and "The Howard"

15.If possible always make friends with the bar owner(or his hot daughter who is also the bartender) it will help you get served after last call.

16.When at a shooter party and someone says "Do you trust me?"...say no

17.151 proof rum shots....bad idea in any situation.

18.That not finding the droids you are looking for can lead to very bad things.

19.Never flirt/hit on girls that drive trucks..9 times out of ten it's her boyfriends truck....the other time it's her dad's...

20.The words"You know what I've been really into lately?..Limp Bizkit...." should never come out of any ones mouth ever...especially mine..but I was young and impressionable...

21.When you first go to some one's house, sneak a peek at their Cd/Dvd collection..you can tell alot about a person by what's in there...

22.In a bar or club like setting...Girls hold all the power, even if they don't know it...

23.Porch Monkey is a racial slur. But it's Ok I'm taking it back...

24.If you are driving down a road, and you see a hitchhiker, and you think to yourself it's weird for a person to be hitchhiking here..and it's a girl...don't stop. They aren't looking for the ride you have to offer.

25.Two groups of people that you should never let win in a battle of wits. Crackheads and sports mascots...God damn Mariner Moose...I'll show you who's drank too much...

26.That the "Star Wars" movies are all about how the white man keeps the brother man down...even in a galaxy far,far away.

27.That there is NO sex in the champagne room..even if you are the birthday boy...

28.That there is nothing more depraved and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge..

29.That childhood memories are based on the lies and deceit of your parents. Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Faerie...all lies..

30.If you should ever happen to find yourself on an intergalactic Star Ship seeking out knew life and species on what they tell you is a five year mission. If you want to survive those five years,under no circumstances do you wear a red shirt...that shit is like the mark of death.

That's it...I got some gin to drink now....